I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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