Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
