Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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