the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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