Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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