i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
