dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
