I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
