If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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