I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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