Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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