I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
