i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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