I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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