Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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