Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
