??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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