A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
