yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Welp...herpes.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize