No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
