I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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