I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
