he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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