My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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