Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
