guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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