I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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