i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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