I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Welp...herpes.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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