Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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