around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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