apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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