I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
