if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
