I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
