the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
