that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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