I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
be right there i have to get my cape
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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