At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
