i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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