Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
