i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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