You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
