final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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