How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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