My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
