I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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