YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
