I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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