It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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