I wish I could punch you in the face.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
