You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
