I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
