You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
high people should be assigned attendants
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize