we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
