If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
