this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
