I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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