YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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