When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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