do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize