He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
