I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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