theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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