Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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